I don't remember what it was like to be fearless.  I have been afraid from as far back as 1996.  How does someone work though things they can't see?  Things that feel so real they take your breath away?  How do you mend what seems irrevocably broken?  What kind of therapy do you seek for irrational fear?  Yes, I know it's irrational to think no man will ever love me - that no man will ever treat me with respect and honesty I would give to him.  Knowing this doesn't make it any easier to deal with. 

I wasn't purposely keeping a list but now there are two items.  Two deal breakers.  So, so sad.  I'm not used to being in this spot.  I swear I'm not looking for reasons to cross him off my list.  I don't know where I'm supposed to draw a line in the sand.  What things am I supposed to stand up for and NOT compromise on?  I have always felt the need to be the most important in my guy's world - simply because that's what he is to me.  I wish I didn't give everything like that away right from the start.  I wish I made people "earn" it.  How can I be different now?  I don't want to be.  Yet I can't keep feeling like the world's outcast. 

Dependence is bad.  One should be able to stand on ones' own. 
I met a man and found myself in a strangely familiar position.  With each day that goes by I find myself wanting to spend more and more time with him.  He's not a local so my 'time' is conversations on the phone.  Nightly talks usually go until one or both is tired and has to go to sleep.  Monday I could tell he was distracted so I hung up so he could do what he had to do.  Tuesday he fell asleep on me about 15 mins in.  On Weds. he went out and his 'phone died' so by the time he got home it was about 3am.  No phone call - just some argumentative texts.  (Silly me - feeling bad cuz I wanted to talk to him and for 3 nights I wasn't able to.  I'll have to work on that.) 
Now as I sit here on Thanksgiving I can't help but feel bad.  I don't feel the same enthusiasm I felt earlier this week about us.  He hasn't sent any texts today while celebrating with the same people he hung out with last night.  Makes me feel stupid for missing him and wanting to talk to him.  The feeling clearly isn't mutual.  Sad.
Dependence is bad.  I need to stop depending on him.  I need to not need him. 

It's horrible how one word, phrase or exchange can send you plummeting back to a cold dark place.  Scary feelings and emotions which I thought I had worked through apparently still linger.  My stomach is a mess today.  I keep thinking I'm not made for this.  I was right to stay hidden all these years.  No one will ever understand me.  No one will ever be able to comfort me.  To be with someone will mean a lifetime of having to explain myself.  Each and every time.  I'm just so tired.  This is so exhausting.  Why is this my road? If it is a lump I found, these last few weeks aren't helping it.

I don't want to question God but really - everything - all at once?  Health, job AND relationship.  Couldn't I have one that worked.  One that I could run to and feel good in.  Must it always be this hard?

Time marches on - go with it or get left behind.  I stood still for about 11 years.  Now I'm all about moving forward. 

For ever so brief a period I was in a relationship.  I even changed my FB status to read 'in a relationship' - it felt great.  I had to change it back to single today.  It breaks my heart.  This was the first time in a long time I actually thought I had a chance.  I was wrong.  Again, a case of not knowing what I was up against.  I thought I asked all the right questions.   I didn't.  There were unseen forces at work, again, which were out of my field of vision.  This is the beginning - the time when it's all magical and light and happy.  Things are supposed to flow and be fun.  I wasn't ready for the dark side of the relationship to surface this early on.  I am not ready to be avoided.  I'm not strong enough to avoid taking it personally.  Ignoring and avoiding me is bad in my book.  It's not a good way to start out.  I had blue moments myself but I never wanted to be away from him nor did I avoid him.  Quite the opposite.  When I was in those moods I wanted him around me - more than ever.  Sometimes just to hear his voice was all I needed.  I feel so stupid now for that.  For all of it.  His pulling away is the ultimate rejection.  We're too new for me to be able to occupy myself with other things while he digs himself out of this.  I can't believe my heart is breaking again.  Why would anyone want to get back up on this horse? 

Why do your words have the power to cut me at my knees?  Or send me over the moon?  Why can't I find an even keel?  The highest highs and lowest lows.  Always.  When you're tired and get short with me it feels like you're ripping my heart out.  I wait around all day just to get a few moments of your time.  Sorry if I'm disappointed that you're tired.  Sorry if I ask too many dumb questions of you. 

Funny the more things change the more they don't.  I'm back home for approximately two months.  Sure didn't take long to remember why I want to move out so badly.  Sure do miss my Nashville apartment.

I'm skipping ahead to Day 23 because I'm not in the mood to do any of the others. 5 guys who are famous who I find attractive - EASY!!!!

Russell Crowe

 Gabriel Byrne

Matthew MacFadyen

Gerry Butler

Drum role please - the FINEST male specimen to EVER walk the earth - Andy Garcia. 
I've never lusted after a married man but oh the things I'd be willing to do just to listen to that man talk to me!  What is it about accents?  Everyone of these guys has one! 

Mmmm now this is a great blog!!!

Day 14 - your earliest memory

Mom and I have traced it back to when I was 2.  I was going for a bike ride with the family.  My sister rode on the back of my Dad's bike.  My brother was 6 and he rode his own bike.  I rode on the bar of my Father's bike.  (I KNOW!!!  How unsafe!!)  Well, pulling out of the driveway one time, I got my foot caught in Dad's tire and it bent my toes.  I don't remember getting it caught but I remember how they treated me afterwards.  I was soaking my foot and Mom brought me a Popsicle.  You know the kind they still sell - the long liquid filled Popsicles.    I wasn't permanently maimed - I survived.  I don't think I cried - we don't recall if I cried.  I know my Father felt horrible that it happened.  It wasn't his fault it was mine.   It's funny I don't recall the pain or it actually happening but just the aftermath. 

 Green Popsicles are still my favorite. 

Day 13 - somewhere you'd like to move or visit.


Since I'm only days into moving back home, let's answer the last part of this one.  I cannot wait to visit Ireland and Scotland.  Next years as a special birthday present to myself I'm going.  I haven't worked out all the details but I'm doing lots of reading.  I would really like to just wander around and "find" stuff and not be too scripted.  I plan to visit the castles and historical places but I also want to see the rest of the countries.  I can hardly wait to just listen to the locals chatting!  What is it about the Irish and Scottish accents that's so darn attractive.  I keep joking that I just might stay over there and never come back!  Between the accents and the music - I'll be in heaven!!! You just never know.  I feel as though there are lots of things in store for me over there!   Stay tuned.

Day 11 of the Blog challenge was to put your IPOD on shuffle - well I'll have to come back to this one - have to find the IPOD in all the boxes!!

So instead I will complete day 12 - Bullet your whole day:

* Get up with alarm - 6:45am
* Catch the 8:40am Orange Line Train downtown
* Walk to hotel
* Attend orientation - 10-12
       -asked to stay later - worked until 4:45pm
* Out to lunch with mgmt staff
* Return to hotel - finish making buttons and lanyards for staff
* Walk back to train
* Take train back to Midway
* Home - unpack??

Not a chance!!  Way too tired.

I kind of took the easy way out of that last one and used my boyfriend from 1st grade.  My thoughts on love are so different now.  I "thought" I was in love with each and every boyfriend I've ever had.  I wish I was one of those people that made you earn my love.  I'm not.  I have a big heart and I give it away too soon.  (I'm not that easy - other stuff you have to wait for!!!)  My definition of love is so completely different from what it was when I was in my 20's.  I dated Rich right out of high school for the next 6 years.  There were a few breakups (his) and one long discussion on our 4th Christmas together.  We were not getting married - he wasn't any closer after 4 years.  So I put him on notice that we could still go out but the next guy who came along that was interested, he was history.  I think he thought I was bluffing.  It took another 2 years but along came Jack.  When I broke up with Rich (did it before I started even talking on the phone to Jack) he was stunned.  All of a sudden NOW he's ready to be married.  I told him that wasn't good enough.  I don't want him to be ready just because I'm leaving.  Where was this when the feelings changed?  Why didn't you say something then?  No, I had moved on in my heart two years prior.  I don't go back - never have.  There's a reason it didn't work out. 

I spent 4 years with Jack - 3.5 longer than I really should have.  That wasn't love.  That was me being swept off my feet because the first guy in over 6 years was interested in me.  ME!  He could tell me what I wore on my very first day on the job.  THAT'S how far back he liked me.  That should have been a warning for me.  He took advantage of everything.  He ruined me in so many ways.  I've been trying for 10 years to get girl back he destroyed.   He was bad in every sense of the word.  I've told a lot of you about him but no one knows everything.  I wonder if keeping it in all these years is part of why I haven't gotten the old me back.  Perhaps I need to get more of what an ass he was out in the open.  Future blogs might tackle some of those issues - when I'm feeling strong enough. 

I still believe in love.  I still want it to happen.  Now a days I tell people who ask that I have never really been in love.  Not by my current definition.  Here's to hoping!!!!!!

Day 10 - discuss your first love and your first kiss.  Well, they were not one in the same!  My first love was my boyfriend 1st through 3rd grade (though KK will disagree with me).  I was sure we were going to get married (so was everyone else!) cuz I was one of the only people in school who could spell his last name - lot of vowels!  When you have a boyfriend in 1st through 3rd grade you do fun stuff like go play over at each others' house.  We would play with all of his Stars Wars stuff at his house (he had EVERYTHING!) and then in the little house in our backyard that my Father built for me and Cindy.  We broke up in 4th grade when, one day walking home from school he knocked me down.  I don't remember why.  I just know that as I got up I swung my lunch bag at him which contained my thermos.  It connected with his mouth.  I think there was blood.  He then reacted by calling me the "B" word.  That was shocking in Catholic grade school.  I went home and told my Mom.  She told my Dad.  He called his Mom.  We were never friends again.  He got into an argument with me at Great America on our 8th grade field trip which resulted in ME using my first swear word out loud.  Thank goodness there were no nuns around!

My first kiss.  Well, I would really like to forget it.  It was not fun at all.  It took place in Then-boyfriends' garage.  Things were so tense and nerve racking in the days leading up to it.  We discussed it.  It freaked me out on the inside - outside I was all calm and cool about it.  When it finally took place he was less than pleased.  I'll never forget the comment he made which I will not share here.  It inspired me! Oh yes it did.  You might have been my first and you were less than stellar Mr.  I've put in a lot of practice and research since.  I believe I can make anyone a good kisser.  I did it with 2 boyfriends!  No one is beyond help.  I think kissing and making out is more fun than sex actually but shhh don't tell anyone. 

It's funny but neither of these guys are married now.  Hmm, wonder if they crappy attitudes have anything to do with it!  

Day 9 - what you hope your future will be like.

Oh boy - my future.  If you would have told me one year ago I was going to be living in Nashville about to return home for work I would have laughed my butt off at you.  I have no idea what my future will be.  What do I HOPE for?  Peace - love - music.  My heart is taking an awfully long time to heal since asshole-Jack.  I know the years are passing me by.  It might just be time to test the waters.  I'm understanding things about myself these days - seeing things is a little bit different light.  Boys still scare me.  They probably always will.  Like that person bit by a dog that gets a queezy feeling in their stomach whenever they see a dog - that's me.  I found a way to make peace with lots of issues in my past.  Dating again would be a big step forward.  Perhaps this summer - after I settle in at the new job - downtown brings lots of possibilities.  My music is still going so I know that part of my future is safe.  Right now I'm happy getting through one day at a time.  My future is wide open and I do believe it is in God's hands. 

Day 8 - a moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.



I have "moments" like that all the time.  Everything is never "right" but at that moment everything feels one with the universe.  If I wanted to I could find that one or two things that upset the balance but why look for it if you don't have to.  I mean, I could throw a wet blanket on any "good" feeling but sometimes it's more important to go with it and just be happy. (Even if it's short lived!)  Most recent was my decision to volunteer at the Cheatham County Animal Control on my Saturday's off of work.  I was being completely selfish when I decided to this.  I would kill two birds with one stone - volunteer and waste some time and perhaps pet a dog or two (since I'm living in a home without animals for the first time since I was 5!).  I figured since I knew I was leaving to go back to IL in June I could keep myself from becoming attached.  I did a great job with the animals.  I kept my focus on helping out wherever needed - with whatever needed being done.  I wasn't going to be sad if a dog was adopted out.  As I said I did a great job.  I would look forward all week to going back on Saturday.   What I didn't plan on was forming attachments with the humans there.  I tried to fly under the radar and do what was asked but Karen and Tom were just so darn friendly!!!  Darn them!  Now I have a tinge of sadness leaving Nashville.  I will really miss my Saturday's there.  See, they don't know it but they saved me!  My time in Nashville was great.  But honestly, it was scary, terrifying and worrisome.   It's quite lonely living in a city where you know no one.  I did a great job and survived this.  I went to some great concerts - I'm very good at distracting myself from other things going on.  Yet, for all the alone time I have in my little apartment - I'd trade it all for something to do.  I went to the AC to waste some time but wound up spending quality time there.  The kindness, sarcasm (ah, it feels just like home!!!) and wit that I shared with Tom and Karen made up for all the lonely weekends I spent down here.  "Thank You" just doesn't cut it but it's the best I can offer to them.  The animals became secondary - the people primary.  I left CCAC each and every visit feeling good for the help I could give to the animals.  Underneath all that was feeling good that there were kind people out there - people worth calling "friend."  I look forward to future visits to Nashville now that I have two friends who live out here.   May the road rise to meet you and until we meet again......

Sagittarius - yep, that's me! Depending on who's list you read there are many traits we are known for that I will admit I carry.  We have been described as the following:  
Sagittarius is the traveler of the zodiac and considers every day an opportunity for another adventure.  This is a cheerful,  spontaneous, and idealistic individual with an exceptional sense of humor.  Though there is not a malicious bone in his body, Sagittarius often suffers from foot-in-mouth syndrome, giving honest assessments where a little tact might suit the situation better, then dancing merrily away with nary a thought as to how his comments have negatively affected others.  Though not considered particularly deep by friends and acquaintances, Sagittarius does think deeply about the big picture, such as why he is here and where he is going, and can often see the end results with almost prophetic accuracy.   As a lifelong seeker of knowledge, Sagittarius will likely be quite well-read in a variety of subjects,  and will be equipped with a well-developed philosophy in which he maintains unshakable faith.  Sagittarians retain almost a child-like quality throughout their lives, always remaining optimistic and never fully accepting the seriousness inherent in day-to-day living.  I would have to say that's me except the foot in mouth and not considered deep by friends.

Work:  Sagittarius in the workplace is the one with the world map on the wall with push pins in all the places he plans to go.  He is self-confident, positive, enthusiastic, and easy-going, and he is likely way ahead of you as far as the company's big picture is concerned.   As the sign of the Archer, Sagittarius will aim high at work, resulting in rather spectacular achievements (or sometimes spectacular  failures).  Fortunately, his successes will usually outweigh his failures, and in general you can count on his hunches to pan out profitably.   Sagittarius will get along well with co-workers despite his always present blunt tactlessness, and because of his need to know everything, he will be a fountain of information as far as who is doing what at any given moment.  Though he might seem frivolous and you often find yourself wondering if he is doing anything at all, Sagittarius will be the one who pinch hits at the eleventh hour and saves the day.  Sagittarius will do best in occupations that allow for a good bit of freedom, and will wilt like a week-old rose in a job that is too restrictive. Yes, Yes and Yes!  This is definitely me!!



Romantically:  Sagittarius is a wanderer and a philosopher who will only accept a partner who understands his need for adventure and excitement.  Homebodies need not apply!   Your Sagittarian will be a spontaneous, fun, energetic, even-tempered mate most of the time, but if you do something to irritate him, don't be surprised if he unleashes a surprising fiery side that will likely be sprinkled with the unvarnished, unflattering truth as he sees it.  The best mate for Sagittarius is one who is strong, self-assured, independent, and adventurous, who is willing to give her the space she needs.  I think I'll laminate this last sentence and hand it out to potential mates!!! It's not me, it's my sign!!!

I have described myself as an eternal optimist.  Every day IS an adventure and I try to travel as much as possible.  No ride in the car is "too long" - there's always music to help move the miles. I've also seen us described as reckless (I'm polar opposite that).  I think I was all these things before I researched my sign so it's not a case of conforming.  It helped too that my Mom was the same sign as me.  She would often point out my shortcomings (being ready to travel on a minutes notice is not one of my fortes!)  and tease then you must not be a true Sag!  Oh Mother!


You tell me - is it accurate?

30 Interesting facts about me - hmm, well lets see:

30: I have a tattoo of a stickman playing a guitar on my right ankle.  I'm going to add to it before I leave Nashville.

29. Music is my oxygen.

28. I drive fast but I’m not a reckless driver.

27. I love being alone!  Solitary time is priceless. 

26. Having a unique name growing up made me learn how to feel comfortable standing out.  I think that’s part of the reason I’m not afraid to go it alone. I’ve never been a follower – always a leader.

25. I have a huge soft spot for animals.  I will always stop my car and attempt a rescue. (I carry a collar, leash and usually a card board box in my trunk!)

24. I’m kind of a grammar snob.  Though I’m backing off some as I get older and forget more of the rules! 

23. I love gardening!  I just wish I knew what I was doing.

22. I’m nice to everyone right from the get go. 

21.  I want to find a guy exactly like my Father; the perfect combo of gentleman, teacher, artist, comedian, dancer, fixer upper/creator, listener, healer, yard & grill master!  That shouldn’t be a problem, right?

20.  Rule number one - always conduct yourself like a lady, no matter what.

19. Peanut Butter is the single greatest food ever created by man.  Raspberries need not apply!  Yuck!

18. I set up and execute excellent boundaries.  Married women need not fear me! ;-)

17.  I know my chronological age, mentally I still feel as though I am waiting to turn 21.

16. You can tell exactly what I'm thinking as it will show on my face.  I don't try to hide it.

15.  I don’t know how to date a total stranger.  I have to be “friends” with someone to go out with them.

14. Travel is one of my favorite hobbies – along with music and photography.

13. I still haven’t gotten over the sudden death of my ceramics teacher.  I’m completely lost without those classes.

12. Anyone can become a good kisser.  I turned my last 2 boyfriends around! 

11. I love, love, love curly hair!

10. I’m extremely attracted to strength – all kinds but esp. of character.

9. I'm still learning to "hug."  We didn't do it much in my house - Dad was famous for those side hugs.  So it's still awkward for me.  Where do you put your hands, face, lean to which side?  But I'll tell ya - everyone was right!  Hugs are great!  We don't get or give them enough.

8. If bacon wasn't so good I could become a vegetarian.

7. I regret not having made a pact with my best friend in high school that if we were still single by this age we would get married.  I hear he’s single again.  It would make things so much easier. ;-)

6. Psychology and counseling come naturally to me yet I don't want to do either professionally.  Go figure.

5. Some days I wish I had someone to come home to.

4. I love walking – I could walk anywhere.

3. I am painfully shy. 

2. I enjoy silence.  I don’t need to fill the space between us with sound. 

1. I’m still as flexible as I was in my cheerleading days!!

Day 5 - a time you thought about ending your own life.


We have all grown up knowing someone who died too early.  When I was young, my Aunt Judy accidentally killed herself.  No one believes she meant to do it.  She shot herself in the stomach as my Uncle Jerry was bringing my cousin Michelle back from visitation on a Sunday afternoon.  He heard a "noise" when he was pulling up.  When he got out of the car he knocked on the door but she didn't answer.  Because he had 3 year old Michelle in the car he didn't go in.  He got in the car and drove back to my Grandma's to call her.  This was the era before cell phones.  Her then boyfriend came home some time later and found her.  She basically bled out.  I never discussed this with anyone in the family (it was one of those "hushed" about issues in the family) so I don't know if my uncle felt responsible or guilty.  My Mom's theory was Judy was hoping to be "rescued" by him.  She had left the marriage but wasn't happy with the boyfriend and wanted to get back together.  It was certainly tragic. 

When I was in 6th grade my classmate's sister killed herself in college.  It was a shock to everyone.  Later it was mentioned they thought she had a chemical imbalance in her brain.  I never knew if that was correct or the way the family could justify it.  She was a brilliant girl.  I remember her coming down in the basement when I was over at her house playing with her sister in 2nd grade.  She worked at McDonald's and was coming down to change into her uniform.  She did it right there in front of us.  I was so embarrassed but she wasn't.  I remember hoping to be that cool when I was her age.  My classmate was very close to that sister.  Unfortunately we had grown apart so I never had any conversations with her to find out how it affected her.  She was one of the girls I really liked in school.  Unfortunately, I don't think her mother liked me.  Every year I would invite her to my birthday party and every year she had something going.  When I would tell my Mom she wasn't coming my Mom would always say, I"m not surprised.

Because of these 2 incidents  suicide was discussed in my house.  From the earliest times I remember hearing my Mom ask "what could possibly be that bad that you would want to end your life?  Everything can be fixed.  Why would someone give up hope?"     It was a mortal sin to commit suicide.  It's the only sin that cannot be repented or forgiven for. It automatically precludes you from entering heaven.  I subscribed to that theory for a long time.  Then I entered high school and started going through all my own angst. In high school two boys about two grades up from me took their own lives.  The school wasn't going to allow the yearbook staff to commemorate them because they were afraid it would glamorize suicide.  Thankfully they reversed that.  For all the difficulties I suffered I could see why someone would want a fast ending to their pain.  We live in a society that pushes pills to fix what ails you.  You can't fix everything that way unfortunately.  When the pill wears off the problem is still there but now you've added another problem on top of it.

When my Father passed we all said we believed he served his time in purgatory here on earth.  He was in such pain but never took morphine or any other type of pain med.    Since I know the only time I will see my Father again is when I die, I'm no longer afraid of it.  I used to say that as a child I never envisioned what my life would be like after 35.  I heard Marilyn Monroe died at an early age and I guess I figured I would too.  When I turned 35 I remember saying anything could happen.  I would never take my own life.  Yet I don't know that I would fight all that hard to survive if I was at the crossroads and could chose.  You've all heard the stories where people pull themselves out of miraculous situations because they want to see their family again.  Perhaps if I were married or even dating I could say that.  Gosh, it reads like I don't appreciate my Mom, sister or brother - that's not the case at all.  I just miss my Dad so much that I would think there would be a pull to the other side. (Course, that's assuming I'm getting into heaven - after my last blog on Religion, I might have to get to confession!)  Studies have been done on married couples and when one passes (esp. if it's the female) the partner follows on average 6 months later.  Women have better survival rates.  That leads me to another reason why I'm afraid to get involved with someone - he's probably going to die before me, leaving me alone yet again!   That's a blog for another time. 

Day 4 - my views on religion

I was raised a practicing Catholic.  We went to church every Saturday at 5pm.  I liked that Mass - it was the guitar choir.  They were awesome.  Must be where my love of music got started (oh and with Mom singing along to the radio or the records she would play!).  We sat in the same pew every week.  Never missed a holiday.  I grew up to become a CCD teacher (Sunday School for you non-Catholics) and spent 21 years doing that.  (No, that is not a typo - I started at the tender age of 17, a high school senior - scared out of my mind to face a room full of 7 year olds!  Back then there were 17 to a class!)  I just retired this year.  That's the longest I've done anything in my life!  Thank you Mr. Wiseman for believing in me when I didn't believe in myself!!! That reminds me, I need to send him a card!)  21 First Communions every May, 21 First Reconciliations every January.  I was good at it.  Course, because I was teaching I could justify missing Mass.  There were changes at the Parish and the priests were becoming more out of touch.  (Get to know the people and the workings behind the scenes and boy can you become disillusioned!)  I believe in God, Jesus, Mary and the Saints - I pray all the time.  I don't think God is going to be mad at me if I don't sit in the building and attend every week.  When my Father died Mom would have a Mass said for him every month.  We go then (when someone remembers!) 


I can't call myself a practicing Catholic anymore.  Sure, there are problems the Church - there is with every religion.  One of the reasons I had to stop teaching was because I was starting to question what I was telling the kids.  I believe in forgiveness and asking for it.  I subscribe to almost all the rules there but when I peel back the layers I'm left with some questions about how and why.  Mom used to joke that the Gospels were written by 4 drunk guys.  How accurate could they be?  (The very first time I was teaching a class and the subject matter of wine drinking came up I had to laugh out loud - Mom's comment was so true!!!) Plus, everything was passed along verbally for a time THEN written down.  We've all played telephone - you know what comes next!  Add to that the role of women in the church - or the LACK of a role of women.  It's 2011 and we're still operating under thousand year old rules.  Since I don't believe in all the rules (homosexuality isn't a sin in my book - it's not a choice, yes I believe in Marriage and it should be for life but I do not believe someone should be punished for marrying and finding out you made a terrible choice) I have to call myself someone who has a deep sense of spirituality and faith.  I wish everyone could experience the peace I feel when I have my little heart to hearts with God.  I cannot imagine NOT believing in God.  The world would be so bleak.  

Day 3 - my views on drugs and alcohol.  If it's legal I'm okay with it.  With the exception of one very joyful Hawks game at McNally's back in 91 or 92, I waited until I turned 21 to drink.  I never had a fake id, never tried to order a drink.  I knew the rules were I had to be 21 so I waited.  I was not one of those kids that was daring and adventurous when it came to breaking rules (unlike my brother and sister).  I'm pretty easy that way.  I've only gotten drunk once (see mention above) and it wasn't the rip roaring, puke my guts out-what the heck did I do last night kind of drunk.  I remember laughing - A LOT.  So much Rich covered my mouth with his hand cuz he thought I was going to wake his Mom.  (He was right - I did.  She acted mad (we weren't going out that long I don't think) but after all the drinking she did she had a lot of nerve.  I remember walking outside of McNally's (it's was a playoff game and they had some kind of contests at the bar, the guy in charge kept giving me the prizes even though I didn't have the winning ticket.  I must have been a cute drunk girl!!!)  and having to stop and lean on the wall cuz I couldn't stop laughing.  I have no idea what was so funny.  Perhaps the absurdity of ME getting drunk.  I don't have any bad memories of it (neither does Rich!;-)) but I never did it again.  I would get buzzed but never drunk. 

Growing up my Father drank beer.  I remember being little and asking can I have a sip of your beer.  Now, before you go judging my Dad, he was 100% Polish.  Not off the boat Polish, but both parents were pure Pollaks.  Drinking was common.  Mom is 90% Irish - hello!  Drinking was a way of life for most of her family. (until my Grandpa made a deathbed promise to his Mom when he was in early 20's).  Dad drank warm beer.  Yep, that's right.  He didn't bother refrigerating it - until my Mom pointed out to him that company might not want to drink a warm beer when offered it. (Course, she never made room in the frige for it til that moment - I'm sure he didn't want to hear her gripe about it).  So anyway, there we were - little kids 8 or 9 years old, and asking could we have a sip.  Mom's still mad about it when she tells the story. I think it was the best thing he could have done.  My first taste of liquor was warm beer.  Yuck.  So when I reached the age of "wonder what that tastes like" and my friends would venture behind their father's bars (funny, both my best friends in grade school had basement bars!) I wasn't tempted.  It was never my idea.  I remembered how awful that beer tasted and said no thanks.  Now a days DCFS would probably be called. 

Drugs - well they aren't legal so you shouldn't do them.  Period.  Personally, I've never gotten high or used any illegal drug.  Music is my drug - concerts are my addiction and I hope one day to marry a lyrical genius who will impress me with his thoughtful prose!   I've wanted to work for the FBI for a long time now and I want to answer honestly when they administer the drug tests.  Course, I've always worried about how I could be a good parent and recognize if my child was using, when I never did.  I mean, I screwed up royally with my exfiance (didn't see his using/dealing, cheating, abusing side til it was too late) so how could I protect a child when I failed to protect myself?  Perhaps that's why I never felt a desire to have kids.    Anyways, I'm always saddened to learn of people who use drugs to "escape" rather than face their problems.  So to quote Mr. Mackey "Drugs are bad! Ok?" 

Day 2 - where you would like to be in 10 years - still working for JBM! that's for sure! 
Ten years - that's a long time.  When I think back to ten years ago that might as well be 20 years.  I should hope I'm madly in love with someone by then, living in a gorgeous loft downtown within walking distance of all my favorite downtown spots; traveled to Scotland, Ireland, Greece and Australia & New Zealand;  helped Steve celebrate several #1 singles; and found peace!!!!  How's that for a "10 year To Do List" - ha ha!

New 30 day blog challenge!  Wouldn't you KNOW the first post is about your "current relationship" - yawn.  If single I'm supposed to tell you how single life is.  It's great - no really, it is.  With the exception of 2 weeks out of 52 I am completely content with being single.  I like the freedom of not having to consult with someone for wanting to jump in the car and go see a concert 3 states over - esp. last minute.  Some might think it selfish to say but I'm thankful I don't have to keep someone else's feelings in mind when I want to do something.  Those of you who really know me, know how much I internalize most things and upsetting someone ranks up there.  It's nice not to have to worry about upsetting someone.  Do I miss having a significant other - sometimes.  It's hard going to the movies by yourself (esp. if you get your seat early and THEN have to use the restroom). Some places absolutely do not like single people and will make you as uncomfortable as possible.  I get tired of seeing families and couples get assistance before me sometimes.  Also, everyone acts like it's okay for YOU to get out of a couple's way while walking down the street (cuz they are holding hands) - that's a pet peeve but I digress.  Sometimes it would be nice to have someone have my back (it really is tiring taking care of yourself all the time) or to make out with every once in a while (oh who am I kidding- every night - Jack-be-damned!)  or just to have someone say "you look pretty!"  Alas, if I'm meant to put my heart out there for someone again he's going to be pretty darn special.  Until then I have my music, travel and animals and that keeps me smiling!!!

HOLD EVERYTHING!  Courtesy of my lovely Canadian friend Suzanne - I'm going to restart this 30 day blog.  She has a more interesting one posted on her blog so I'm going to snag it!  Stay tuned....

Day 8 - a song to match your mood:
Not sure if this will work but it's the BEST tune - oh MMMMMMMark......http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-GhBACWUY6o

Tune is called "Take It All Out On Me"   sweet dreams!!!

My dream wedding - you sure can tell a female crafted the list of blog topics for this challenge.  I'm at an age where I don't dream about getting married anymore.  I don't think that is a sad thing.  I'm a realist about a lot of things and true long lasting love in this day and age is something akin to a Great White Buffalo!  There are other dreams I prefer to chase - like financial security.  Like living long enough to have a place downtown Chicago with a nice view.  Paying my Mom and sister back for everything they gave over the past 8 months.  That's the kind of stuff I dream about! 

I'd love to have a colorful parrot but the darn thing would probably outlive me.  Then who would I give it to???

Today's blog is brought to you by 2009.  This pic was taken in January - the night before I graduated my with my Bachelor's.  Steve sang on stage and Sarah Buxton sang some harmony with him.  They sounded great together.  It was a long drive into WI (or so it felt) but it was worth it.

I should have read the entire 30 day list of blogs before I started this.  I suppose I could have edited the list.  That would be cheating I suppose.  Today I'm supposed to share my favorite pic of my best friend.  I don't have one.  A best friend that is, I haven't really had on in a long time.  I suppose my Mom is the person I talk to and confide in the most.  She wins by default!  Ha ha!  Sorry Mom!  She hates this picture - she hates all of her wedding photos I believe.  The lady who cut her hair did a "bad job" (quoting Mom), her face had started to break out and the stress from the interference promised by her ex's family caused her face to break out really bad (can't see it) - gosh, reading all of this I WONDER where I get it!

Day 3 on day 4 - had a Mark Wills concert last night at Whiskey Bent - knew there wasn't going to be a blog, guess I should have shared that.

Oh well here you go - my perfect date.  I have no idea.  It has been SO long since I've thought about dating or kissing or just being involved with someone.  I suppose, since the formality of stuff can freak me out sometimes, a date that wasn't officially billed as such.  Looking back, when you realize, the first time you spent a block of time together - THAT winds up being your first date instead of the boring 'will-you-go-out-with-me' predictable first date.  Yeah, I'm going to go with that!

Carrots - one thing I ate today.  I tried searching for a pic of the chicken sandwich I ate for lunch but couldn't find it.  Oh well you'll have to hope these carrots fill you up!~


So far so good - day 2 of blogging and I remembered.  Might not be the case tomorrow - Mark Wills concert at 9pm!  Woohooo!

Today was educational - I learned everything there is to learn about German Cockroaches.  Disgusting.  I conquered ants - I WILL conquer these damn things.

I haven't kept up on my blog here. I think I registered under 2 separate email addy's. I only subscribe to a few blogs and I noticed I have one pic under one blog and a different pic on another. I don't know how to figure out the other account. Ugh!
Oh well. I'm going to take this blog challenge. Doesn't appear to be that difficult - as long as I can figure out how to attach pics! Come back and check it out and see if I managed all 30!

Day 1 – A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.
Day 2 – A photo of something you ate today.
Day 3 – Your idea of the perfect first date.
Day 4 – Your favorite photograph of your best friend.
Day 5 – A photo of yourself two years ago.
Day 6 – A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet.
Day 7 – Your dream wedding.
Day 8 – A song to match your mood.
Day 9 – A photo of the item you last purchased.
Day 10 – A photo of our favorite place to eat.
Day 11 – What’s in your makeup bag?
Day 12 – A photograph of the town you live in.
Day 13 – Your favorite musician and why?
Day 14 – A TV show you’re currently addicted to.
Day 15 – Something you don’t leave the house without.
Day 16 – Your celebrity crush.
Day 17 – A photo of you and your family.
Day 18 – Something you crave a lot.
Day 19 – Another picture of yourself.
Day 20 – The meaning behind your blog name.
Day 21 – A photo of something that makes you happy.
Day 22 – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.
Day 23 – 15 facts about you.
Day 24 – A photo of something that means a lot to you.
Day 25 – What’s in your purse?
Day 26 – A photo of somewhere you’ve been to.
Day 27 – A picture of you last year and now and how have you changed since then?
Day 28 – Your favorite movie.
Day 29 – Something you could never get tired of doing.
Day 30 – A photograph of youself today + three good things that have happened in the past 30 days

Note: I didn’t come up with this - I'm borrowing!

So I didn't stay true to my first blog of 2010. So much has happened over one short year. I'm in Nashville working for Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville. Special thanks to Vince and Chris - my inspiration to go out on a limb and find my own little alcove in paradise. Living out here alone hasn't been without tears but every day lived is a day closer to getting "her" back where we need her!