It's horrible how one word, phrase or exchange can send you plummeting back to a cold dark place.  Scary feelings and emotions which I thought I had worked through apparently still linger.  My stomach is a mess today.  I keep thinking I'm not made for this.  I was right to stay hidden all these years.  No one will ever understand me.  No one will ever be able to comfort me.  To be with someone will mean a lifetime of having to explain myself.  Each and every time.  I'm just so tired.  This is so exhausting.  Why is this my road? If it is a lump I found, these last few weeks aren't helping it.

I don't want to question God but really - everything - all at once?  Health, job AND relationship.  Couldn't I have one that worked.  One that I could run to and feel good in.  Must it always be this hard?