Day 5 - a time you thought about ending your own life.


We have all grown up knowing someone who died too early.  When I was young, my Aunt Judy accidentally killed herself.  No one believes she meant to do it.  She shot herself in the stomach as my Uncle Jerry was bringing my cousin Michelle back from visitation on a Sunday afternoon.  He heard a "noise" when he was pulling up.  When he got out of the car he knocked on the door but she didn't answer.  Because he had 3 year old Michelle in the car he didn't go in.  He got in the car and drove back to my Grandma's to call her.  This was the era before cell phones.  Her then boyfriend came home some time later and found her.  She basically bled out.  I never discussed this with anyone in the family (it was one of those "hushed" about issues in the family) so I don't know if my uncle felt responsible or guilty.  My Mom's theory was Judy was hoping to be "rescued" by him.  She had left the marriage but wasn't happy with the boyfriend and wanted to get back together.  It was certainly tragic. 

When I was in 6th grade my classmate's sister killed herself in college.  It was a shock to everyone.  Later it was mentioned they thought she had a chemical imbalance in her brain.  I never knew if that was correct or the way the family could justify it.  She was a brilliant girl.  I remember her coming down in the basement when I was over at her house playing with her sister in 2nd grade.  She worked at McDonald's and was coming down to change into her uniform.  She did it right there in front of us.  I was so embarrassed but she wasn't.  I remember hoping to be that cool when I was her age.  My classmate was very close to that sister.  Unfortunately we had grown apart so I never had any conversations with her to find out how it affected her.  She was one of the girls I really liked in school.  Unfortunately, I don't think her mother liked me.  Every year I would invite her to my birthday party and every year she had something going.  When I would tell my Mom she wasn't coming my Mom would always say, I"m not surprised.

Because of these 2 incidents  suicide was discussed in my house.  From the earliest times I remember hearing my Mom ask "what could possibly be that bad that you would want to end your life?  Everything can be fixed.  Why would someone give up hope?"     It was a mortal sin to commit suicide.  It's the only sin that cannot be repented or forgiven for. It automatically precludes you from entering heaven.  I subscribed to that theory for a long time.  Then I entered high school and started going through all my own angst. In high school two boys about two grades up from me took their own lives.  The school wasn't going to allow the yearbook staff to commemorate them because they were afraid it would glamorize suicide.  Thankfully they reversed that.  For all the difficulties I suffered I could see why someone would want a fast ending to their pain.  We live in a society that pushes pills to fix what ails you.  You can't fix everything that way unfortunately.  When the pill wears off the problem is still there but now you've added another problem on top of it.

When my Father passed we all said we believed he served his time in purgatory here on earth.  He was in such pain but never took morphine or any other type of pain med.    Since I know the only time I will see my Father again is when I die, I'm no longer afraid of it.  I used to say that as a child I never envisioned what my life would be like after 35.  I heard Marilyn Monroe died at an early age and I guess I figured I would too.  When I turned 35 I remember saying anything could happen.  I would never take my own life.  Yet I don't know that I would fight all that hard to survive if I was at the crossroads and could chose.  You've all heard the stories where people pull themselves out of miraculous situations because they want to see their family again.  Perhaps if I were married or even dating I could say that.  Gosh, it reads like I don't appreciate my Mom, sister or brother - that's not the case at all.  I just miss my Dad so much that I would think there would be a pull to the other side. (Course, that's assuming I'm getting into heaven - after my last blog on Religion, I might have to get to confession!)  Studies have been done on married couples and when one passes (esp. if it's the female) the partner follows on average 6 months later.  Women have better survival rates.  That leads me to another reason why I'm afraid to get involved with someone - he's probably going to die before me, leaving me alone yet again!   That's a blog for another time.