I wasn't purposely keeping a list but now there are two items.  Two deal breakers.  So, so sad.  I'm not used to being in this spot.  I swear I'm not looking for reasons to cross him off my list.  I don't know where I'm supposed to draw a line in the sand.  What things am I supposed to stand up for and NOT compromise on?  I have always felt the need to be the most important in my guy's world - simply because that's what he is to me.  I wish I didn't give everything like that away right from the start.  I wish I made people "earn" it.  How can I be different now?  I don't want to be.  Yet I can't keep feeling like the world's outcast. 

Dependence is bad.  One should be able to stand on ones' own. 
I met a man and found myself in a strangely familiar position.  With each day that goes by I find myself wanting to spend more and more time with him.  He's not a local so my 'time' is conversations on the phone.  Nightly talks usually go until one or both is tired and has to go to sleep.  Monday I could tell he was distracted so I hung up so he could do what he had to do.  Tuesday he fell asleep on me about 15 mins in.  On Weds. he went out and his 'phone died' so by the time he got home it was about 3am.  No phone call - just some argumentative texts.  (Silly me - feeling bad cuz I wanted to talk to him and for 3 nights I wasn't able to.  I'll have to work on that.) 
Now as I sit here on Thanksgiving I can't help but feel bad.  I don't feel the same enthusiasm I felt earlier this week about us.  He hasn't sent any texts today while celebrating with the same people he hung out with last night.  Makes me feel stupid for missing him and wanting to talk to him.  The feeling clearly isn't mutual.  Sad.
Dependence is bad.  I need to stop depending on him.  I need to not need him. 

It's horrible how one word, phrase or exchange can send you plummeting back to a cold dark place.  Scary feelings and emotions which I thought I had worked through apparently still linger.  My stomach is a mess today.  I keep thinking I'm not made for this.  I was right to stay hidden all these years.  No one will ever understand me.  No one will ever be able to comfort me.  To be with someone will mean a lifetime of having to explain myself.  Each and every time.  I'm just so tired.  This is so exhausting.  Why is this my road? If it is a lump I found, these last few weeks aren't helping it.

I don't want to question God but really - everything - all at once?  Health, job AND relationship.  Couldn't I have one that worked.  One that I could run to and feel good in.  Must it always be this hard?

Time marches on - go with it or get left behind.  I stood still for about 11 years.  Now I'm all about moving forward. 

For ever so brief a period I was in a relationship.  I even changed my FB status to read 'in a relationship' - it felt great.  I had to change it back to single today.  It breaks my heart.  This was the first time in a long time I actually thought I had a chance.  I was wrong.  Again, a case of not knowing what I was up against.  I thought I asked all the right questions.   I didn't.  There were unseen forces at work, again, which were out of my field of vision.  This is the beginning - the time when it's all magical and light and happy.  Things are supposed to flow and be fun.  I wasn't ready for the dark side of the relationship to surface this early on.  I am not ready to be avoided.  I'm not strong enough to avoid taking it personally.  Ignoring and avoiding me is bad in my book.  It's not a good way to start out.  I had blue moments myself but I never wanted to be away from him nor did I avoid him.  Quite the opposite.  When I was in those moods I wanted him around me - more than ever.  Sometimes just to hear his voice was all I needed.  I feel so stupid now for that.  For all of it.  His pulling away is the ultimate rejection.  We're too new for me to be able to occupy myself with other things while he digs himself out of this.  I can't believe my heart is breaking again.  Why would anyone want to get back up on this horse? 

Why do your words have the power to cut me at my knees?  Or send me over the moon?  Why can't I find an even keel?  The highest highs and lowest lows.  Always.  When you're tired and get short with me it feels like you're ripping my heart out.  I wait around all day just to get a few moments of your time.  Sorry if I'm disappointed that you're tired.  Sorry if I ask too many dumb questions of you.