Changes

Posted 5/10/14
Lots of changes have occurred in the last year and a half - almost too many for my psyche to handle.  Yet, here I am - still alive, still plugging along.   Some of the changes hurt, a lot - still working on them.  I have had to let go of or alter some ideas that have been at the root of what makes me tick.  Love, oh it's nothing like what I grew up believing in from movies or TV.   Some of what I've believed in will have to be adapted to what really is, out in today's world.    And so it begins

Hello

Testing....testing...

Regret

Oh lord what have I done?  Uprooted my life and moved across the country for a guy?  What on earth was I thinking?  I was thinking we were in love.  I was thinking he's the one.  I was thinking we were on the same page.  13 months into this and I see that I was misinformed.  Nothing in this dessert has gone according to my plan.  Nothing has worked out in my favor.  I couldn't get a do-over if I tried.  What have I done. 

Time marches on

I keep promising myself that I will stay on top of my blogs.  I haven't picked up a journal in years.  Things are happening that I know I'm going to forget.  It's 2013 - I have moved to Arizona to live with my boyfriend!  Me - she who raged against living together for YEARS.  Yet here I am trying to make it work.  Lots of posts to come.  Lord knows I have nothing but time on my hands right now.

Remember me?

Soooo sorry I've been so neglectful - I lost my bookmark and couldn't remember my password.  But I'm back!  Have lots to share!  Stay tuned.

I don't remember what it was like to be fearless.  I have been afraid from as far back as 1996.  How does someone work though things they can't see?  Things that feel so real they take your breath away?  How do you mend what seems irrevocably broken?  What kind of therapy do you seek for irrational fear?  Yes, I know it's irrational to think no man will ever love me - that no man will ever treat me with respect and honesty I would give to him.  Knowing this doesn't make it any easier to deal with. 

I wasn't purposely keeping a list but now there are two items.  Two deal breakers.  So, so sad.  I'm not used to being in this spot.  I swear I'm not looking for reasons to cross him off my list.  I don't know where I'm supposed to draw a line in the sand.  What things am I supposed to stand up for and NOT compromise on?  I have always felt the need to be the most important in my guy's world - simply because that's what he is to me.  I wish I didn't give everything like that away right from the start.  I wish I made people "earn" it.  How can I be different now?  I don't want to be.  Yet I can't keep feeling like the world's outcast. 

Dependence is bad.  One should be able to stand on ones' own. 
I met a man and found myself in a strangely familiar position.  With each day that goes by I find myself wanting to spend more and more time with him.  He's not a local so my 'time' is conversations on the phone.  Nightly talks usually go until one or both is tired and has to go to sleep.  Monday I could tell he was distracted so I hung up so he could do what he had to do.  Tuesday he fell asleep on me about 15 mins in.  On Weds. he went out and his 'phone died' so by the time he got home it was about 3am.  No phone call - just some argumentative texts.  (Silly me - feeling bad cuz I wanted to talk to him and for 3 nights I wasn't able to.  I'll have to work on that.) 
Now as I sit here on Thanksgiving I can't help but feel bad.  I don't feel the same enthusiasm I felt earlier this week about us.  He hasn't sent any texts today while celebrating with the same people he hung out with last night.  Makes me feel stupid for missing him and wanting to talk to him.  The feeling clearly isn't mutual.  Sad.
Dependence is bad.  I need to stop depending on him.  I need to not need him. 

It's horrible how one word, phrase or exchange can send you plummeting back to a cold dark place.  Scary feelings and emotions which I thought I had worked through apparently still linger.  My stomach is a mess today.  I keep thinking I'm not made for this.  I was right to stay hidden all these years.  No one will ever understand me.  No one will ever be able to comfort me.  To be with someone will mean a lifetime of having to explain myself.  Each and every time.  I'm just so tired.  This is so exhausting.  Why is this my road? If it is a lump I found, these last few weeks aren't helping it.

I don't want to question God but really - everything - all at once?  Health, job AND relationship.  Couldn't I have one that worked.  One that I could run to and feel good in.  Must it always be this hard?